By ZARQA NAWAZ
Donald Trump becoming president is a real possibility and we Muslims are understandably worried about our future. However, despair is not a constructive emotion. So, it’s time to stop screaming into your pillow and start thinking about all the ways President Trump could improve your life.
1. No more mother-in-law’s
Well, if you ‘forgot’ to file the paperwork to sponsor your (insert any annoying Muslim relative), president Trump has taken care of that for you.
“I’m so sorry darling, your cousin’s brother’s nephew, the one that grabbed my breast and claimed he was trying to break his fall, won’t be able to make it to junior’s wedding, President Trump thinks he may be a terrorist. Who are we to argue?”
In fact, for the indefinite future, you are free of pesky relatives who live overseas. But Trump is the gift that just keeps on giving. Are things not harmonious on the home front? There weren’t enough deep-fried samosas served this Ramadan? Well, let’s get that old ‘Ball and Chain’ into a real ball and chain. Deportations, I mean vacations to Cuba have never been easier. Club Guantanamo is the ‘Go To’ destination for Muslims who just need some time in the sun to think things over.
2. Finally a decent database
We don’t even know how many Muslims there are in America but thanks to Trump that’s going to change. He wants a database of all of us, but why stop there? He should also ask useful questions about our taste in food, clothes, and decorative habits as well as favorite accelerants.
For small businesses, this data would be a minefield – but in a good way. If you’re a start-up who wants to specialize in hand-knotted carpets, headscarves or fertilizer, you now have a handy dandy e-mail list of all the Muslims who share hobbies with you.
So, when you send out an e-flyer for your upcoming sale – ‘all the nitrogen you can carry’, you’ll also be able to open a booming side business consisting of halal hot dogs and lemonade feeding the good women and men from Homeland Security, the CIA and FBI who’ll be getting the munchies from photographing your shop all day.
3. Mosques will have no option but to become more fun
Let’s face it, Muslims are American’s most despised religious group. And Trump jumps on the bandwagon of hate because we’ve made it too easy for him. With our obsessive need to pray five times a day, not drink alcohol, fast for a month, avoid sex outside marriage and cover our bodies not to mention ISIS and their reign of terror, people start to wonder if we’re just too serious.
We need a radical image change from people who like to stone to people who like to get stoned. Our community centers should be destinations for fun and excitement!
First up, kissing booths in front of mosques. Of course, the booths will have to be gender-segregated, men kissing men, which could also help eradicate both homophobia and Islamophobia at the same time – killing two birds with one stone (that a Muslim did not throw).
And don’t forget the wet t-shirt contests that mosques will invariably be promoting, but only for men because, you know, we don’t believe in objectifying women. Women can get to watch in an act of reverse sexism that surely Emma Watson could get behind.
4. Bonding with white supremacists
Like moths to a flame, white supremacists are flocking to Trump as the daddy they lost when Hitler was so cruelly snatched away from them during in World War II.
Now that the Ku Klux Klan will be the new ‘it’ group in town, Muslims have a chance to make friends with people with whom they have many cultural overlaps. Both groups love their face coverings and long robes for different reasons. Muslims have been wearing this type of clothing to deal with stifling hot desert climates and modesty issues for centuries and the KKK, … to anonymously freak out and lynch black people, but let’s not quibble about our differences. Muslim women who wear niqab can give valuable tips on how to eat and breathe while covering their face while Muslim men have a lot of experience in how to maneuver in a robe while avoiding puddles and dog shit.
And white is a hard color to pull off: it’s harsh on the skin and those black soot stains from standing too close to burning crosses don’t come out easily. Sharing stain removal secrets could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
5. Better neighborhood patrols
Trump would like Muslims to be monitored more closely since clearly we haven’t been doing a good job of it ourselves, what with the occasional lone wolf escaping and causing irreparable carnage.
Constant surveillance of Muslims can have many positive side effects; any neighborhoods with Muslims living in it can be assured of having constant police presence. And if the police don’t have the extra manpower, armed vigilantes definitely do – finally, a way to employ people who have too much time and guns on their hands.
Home invasions are just warrantless searches so we don’t have to be afraid anymore. And Trump would like us to wear some sort of badge so we will be clearly identified. But just in case pinning a big ‘MUSLIM’ on your chest backfires, think of how great it would be for your cardio if you have to run for your life because you got mistaken for a terrorist.
Remember, even when it seems all hope is lost: think positive!
Zarqa Nawaz is the creator of the sitcom Little Mosque on the Prairie, which currently streams on Hulu, and the author of the new comedic memoir, Laughing All the Way to the Mosque, published by Virago Press.